BFC 1-1 Blunts, Saturday 28th November 2015

‘We are bottom of the league, say we are bottom of the league’

Derby Day at t'Well

I’ll start at the end: Andy dragging me out of the Euston Flyer to prevent a kicking.  Cheers Andy.  I believe Newcastle fans were involved, which may not be untypical.  And me being involved, which may not be untypical.

Anyway, we got a result.  In the 5^th minute of 6 minutes of injury time, Conor Hourihane blasted home from 20 yards through a crowd of players after a corner was half cleared.  Great finish – if only Slacki and Corey had seen it, having slunk out seconds earlier!

The away end

In truth, we never looked like scoring, which was strange given we hit the woodwork twice and had a penalty saved.  Hamill looked off-colour, yet still looked our best chance of a goal, putting in the cross for Winnall’s header which hit the post, as well as earning the penalty, cleverly delaying his touch and allowing the Blunt defender to think he could nick it.  He couldn’t and went through Hamill.  The pen probably wasn’t a bad one either, low to the keeper’s right, but, as ever, refs never pull keepers up for being off the line before the ball is hit.

Oh no, not again...

Otherwise, we’d been losing since what felt like the 1^st minute, but was actually the 16^th.  A corner was curled to the backpost and Basham headed in from 3 yards.  Appalling.  Could the keeper have come and claimed it?  I have a feeling he was blocked off by numerous others.  (Why don’t WE do that?)  Still, no excuse for the lack of marking or muscle from whichever Red was meant to be preventing Basham from scoring (Mawson?)  Cue crowing Blunts for the rest of the half, one of my least favourite sounds in the world.  Mind, he who crows last, crows longest, eh kids?

Hourihane's penalty is saved

A draw was problies a fair result, though Davies saved a couple of one-on-ones to keep us in it.  Equally, that midget from Southampton missed from 6 yards in the 1^st half, but from my superior vantage point in the East Upper, the keeper had made a connection with the ball which meant Isgrove couldn’t connect properly, so it wasn’t quite the chance most of our home end saw.

We are now bottom of the table, rudderless, yet sadly not managerless.  How Johnson thinks Winnall is worthy of a start ahead of Toney the Loanee, only he knows.  And it’s a good job he amends our lack of experience by bringing in a 24 year old Rotherham reserve player in place of George Smith.  It’s been a while since I’ve seen someone lose the ball trying to shepherd it out.  That should have been 2-0 right there.  Yet once Smith was on, we pushed on down the pitch and the last 10 minutes were almost exciting.

The Blunts.  No, it's not rhyming slang, don't be rude...

It may look like ‘inspired substitutions’ but the only inspired thing about it was probably leaving Hourihane on (inspiration or luck?), cos any of our attacking players were worthy of being dragged off; Watkins, Winnall, Hourihane, Isgrove and even Hamill.  In the end, Watkins and Isgrove bit the bullet, while Smith came on for White with 11 to go.  Even then, Toney was forced to play 20 yards behind Winnall instead of being up with him.  This manager has no clue.

Grove Street, yesterday

*** This is difficult.  No-one really stood out and there were a lot of poor or anonymous performances, but for saving the one-on-ones I’ll give it to Davies (Twitter MOTM) though he was far from assured on corners.

** Smith.  What can I say?  The 11 minutes (plus injury time) he played were far and away our best spell of the match.  The previous left back had never got in their half, Smith was never out of it.

* Hourihane.  Go on then, for THAT goal.  Otherwise awful, missed a pen and his deadballs were abysmal.  Tohellwithit.  Toney.  Does what our entire forward line CAN'T do.
Londontykes' Top 3:
1. Davies
2. Hammill

3. Toney of Newcastle

Despatches: I sat upstairs this week cos my dad didn’t come.  I really enjoyed it, save for listening to the Blunts 1^st half.  My dad had said he wasn’t coming, cos he had something on Sat nite…but when I rang him yesterday, his night out had been switched to Friday and he just couldn’t be bothered.  I think the early kick off didn’t help.  Or the s*** football.  I’d also fancied giving the game a miss, but since I had the train tickets….

The Ponty

The players?  Nyatanga was WOEFUL.  At least twice the ball went over his head and by the time he turned around they were clean through (one of them, the Blunt – Sharp? – pulled it down brilliantly with one touch before Davies saved).  Isgrove.  What does he do?  Technically plays wide midfield, runs about a bit, but doesn’t score, never sets anything up, isn’t defensive, can’t head (too midgety).  Does he only get a game cos Little Lee likes little players?  Winnall was fabulous entertainment, moaning his way to a booking and being the ball of positivism that he is.  Does he ever stop complaining? What’s he like at home?  Back to his diving-on-the-floor-looking-for-a-foul best.  Never ever looked like scoring, and never ever looked like he could do all the other things that Toney does when he comes on (winning headers, getting physical, worrying defenders).  Williams came on for the last 20 and he blended in straightaway with his anonymity.  The one run he had, beating 2 players before slightly overrunning it, he ruined by not having the bottle to follow through his momentum, cos he’d have easily beaten their man to the ball and would probably have taken a kick in the process.  I think I now know why he was declared ‘clinically fit’ in last week’s Chron, cos mentally, he looks in bits.  As for Hamill, altho he threatened sporadically, in the first half hour of the 2^nd half, the twice he took anyone on he was running towards his own goal, in his own half.  We need to get him running behind their defence, not giving it to him with his back to goal, surrounded by defenders.  Naturally, I blame Little Lee.

One advantage of a 12:15 KO was the ability to have post-match beers in the No. 7, but I could really do without having to get up earlier than I do for work.  Thanks, South Yorkshire’s finest.

Crowd: 13,571 (away: 3939).  Only about 4,000 down on last season.  We can’t afford to sack Little Lee, apparently.  We can’t afford not to, I’d say.

Drinks du jour: JD and coke on the train, Erdinger and Leffe elsewhere

The Damage:
34 train
5 taxi
2 fanzine

The Choons:
Favourite Worst Nightmare – Arctic Monkeys
Four Calendar Café – Cocteau Twins
Felt Mountain - Goldfrapp

The view from inside the East Stand

The Reds clear a corner

Action on the halfway line

Oldham Athletic 1-2 BFC, Saturday 21st November 2015

‘Lee Johnson’s red and white army’

Pre-match at Whittles

Having not had an argument in a while, I had a few on Satdy.  I apologise to Mr Reed, who not only did I put in potential danger at the match, but I seriously upset later in the pub.  Yes, it’s true, the agent provocateur that I am, I thought shouting ‘Johnson Out’ after we scored would get the point across perfectly; one swallow doth not a summer make.  Obviously, others can’t see beyond us scoring and I appreciate that.  Dissent should not be tolerated and folk should put up and shut up.  The vocal minority made their point, seamlessly going from ‘how s*** must you be, it’s only a draw’ to ’Lee Johnson’s red and white army’.  Fickle is not the word.

Welcome to ...

I’d not initially stood with Andy and Phil further back, I was enjoying a behind the goal view from a seat halfway up the stand.  Course, I went for a p*** and came back in time to see Hourihane score a screamer so I thought I’d pay them a visit.  After a row with a couple of fans (Andy literally in the middle of it) and exhortations ‘to get behind the team’, nobody did.  We do chuntering, not chanting.  The atmosphere was somewhat flat for the most part, possibly cos we’d lost the best of 2000 fans from last season’s following.  Wonder why.

back of the Main Stand

2^nd half, I went back to my original seat.  We were dominating and I couldn’t see Oldham scoring.  I spoke to a few faces…the general jist was we might as well stick with Little Lee, we’ve sacked too many managers etc etc.  I watched the 2^nd half passively, till another trip to the loo brought a 10 minute debate with Kempy and one of his mates (the one with the mod haircut who regularly travels).  The latter went from disagreeing with me to agreeing in the same sentence.  I left, confused…and upon entering the stand again half jokingly asked a steward if we were still winning.  ‘No, it’s one-all’.  I didn’t know if he was joking, cos I hadn’t heard any noise from inside the toilets…but I was past caring, really.  (It was, indeed, one-all.)

'Pies This Way'

I moved seats again to take a few pics before sitting down, feet on seats in front….to see their keeper make a proper howler to give us the win in the last minute.  Jackson was one-on-one and his effort was so poor the keeper couldn’t fail to save it, but somehow lolly-popped it up for some on loan defender to score.  As the players celebrated in front of me, I applauded politely (eventually).  You might even see me on the telly, I never moved.  Apparently Little Lee was out on the pitch fist pumping at the end, but I’d gone to pick up the flag.  F*** him.

It's bl**dy cold in Oldham

Yes, I’m at a low ebb in my support. Nevermind the 8 league defeats in a row, or being knocked out of the FA Cup by part timers, we had 5 loanees out there today (I’m sure there’d be more if we were allowed).  How’s that OUR team?  Why are we continually bringing in other teams’ players to improve, rather than what we have?  He says our team’s too young, so drops George Smith, a player who I personally think has done very well this season.  Still, I s’pose I should be grateful that Little Lee recognises the poor form of Nyatanga, and the general awfulness of Roberts, so drops them an’ all.  

What is the problem at Oakwell? Poor management? Poor strategy from above?  ‘But we won!’  Yes.  Yes, we did.  And have you seen Oldham’s home record this season?  Good job they also had a cup game in midweek, an excuse we won’t have failed to latch onto had it been the other way around.

Oldham's executive box.  Singular.

*** Hourihane.  Scored a cracker.
** Davies.  Saved a cracker (a one-on-one in 1^st half)
* No idea.  Lost interest.  Go on then, I thought Hamill played ok again. 

Londontykes' Top 3:
1. Long of Burnley
2. Hourihane
3. Davies

Despatches:While I’m on about loan players, one thing that will not help the communication between defenders and keeper is the continual turnover of players.  One of the new blokes headed it past Davies as he came out to collect, only he wasn’t as good as Nyatanga at home to Swindon, and it went wide.  (It was Aidey White.)
Drink du jour: Although it looked like Oldham was closed, we found a tremendous ‘rock n roll pub’ (Whittles?) which was so rock n roll it could only serve me Leffe in half pints.  But I’d recommend that place again.  Later supplemented by Vodka and orange.

Crowd: 4,300 (564 Reds, according to Phil, though it seemed a lot less), as most folk spread themselves out.

Did I mention it was also f***ing freezing?  That can’t have helped the mood.

Back of the 'exec'

steps to / from the away end

Teams come out

Londontykes' flag

'This is how it feels to be lonely' (Were the Inspirals Latics fans?)

Terrible design.  Do they understand 'proportion'?

It's not 65.4 miles from Peckham!

It must be LITERALLY freezing now.

Welcome to...

BFC 1-2 Port Vale, Saturday 14th November 2015

‘Barnsley’s losing habit knows no bounds’ (Channel 5 highlights, whatever it’s called)

Fans queue in the rain

After last week’s expletive-raddled, insult-ridden diatribe, I am going to attempt to be something more…less drunk.

Little Lee is on the verge of something special.  Never before, since the early 1950s, have we EVER lost 9 league matches in a row.  The Special One Little One is one off this target.  Unlike the early 1950s, however, we are a division lower and a hellovalot better in terms of…I dunno.  Club cat?

A dank and dreary Oakwell

We started well. We never conceded, till we did.  When did they score?  Who cares?  What I do know is that Davies had never made a save before a hopeful lob in from the right ended with their bloke outjumping Mawson and looping a header into the top corner. In real terms, it was slow motion.  It wasn’t a free header…their bod just got lucky and it floated into the only place Davies couldn’t reach it.  Still.

Before then, we’d ran the game.  If only Little Lee’s best chance of keeping a job in football (Adam Hamill) hadn’t blazed a 25 yard half volley half a foot higher than he did.  Glorious effort. Did Little Lee REALLY sign Hamill?  Or did someone within Oakwell point to his unemploy?  (I wish I was there in midweek to describe how some random free transfer creates one, scores a blinder and we win!!!!!)  Really, it’s getting silly now.  A bloke who hasn’t played a league game since May (I’m guessing)…who hasn’t played for ANYONE since….comes in and looks the best player we have.  I am not kidding.

278.  A Valiant effort.

Of course, Vale go 2 up cos of said player.    It’s the 1^st minute of the second half and Hamill makes the mistake of beating 2 players (was it 3?) down the left and whipping in a cross.  The ball is half cleared and Pearson gives it away cheaply, resulting in the kind of hilarious chase not seen since the days of Wile E. Coyote.  The little Man U fella would never catch their guy up, save for a surreptitious pull, but, fine, we got players back. In fact, when the pull back came and a lonely Valient pulled the trigger, there were numerous BFC players in the box.  Word to Little Lee: tell the red shirts to mark the amber and black shirts (note: opposition colours may change), as opposed to legging it back to the line in panic.  (That’s what we did as un-coached kids.  ‘We’ as in me and you, not ‘we’ as in BFC, altho…).  

In defence of the midgeted one, (look away Vale fans) this was a goal of Premiership class.  They broke at speed from an opposition corner and bagged.  Credit to ‘em.  (Still get rid of Little Lee. I’m not heightist – honest – I believe in making Oakwell a meritocracy…and he ain’t meritable).

ex-Oakwell dirty ba5tard Carl Dickinson

So, 2-0 down at home.  If I was Little Lee, I’d panic after 55 minutes and take off the 2^nd best chance we have of a goal (the 19 year old Newcastle loan bloke) and the tiny bloke from Southampton who stands on the wing doing nowt.  Replace them with Winnall and Smith, ‘two proven goalscorers’.  This leads me to the single biggest highlight of my day:  I’m walking out of Oakwell and I hear a bloke ranting on to his mates.  ‘He’s (Little Lee) f***ing cluelss’  (I’m with him so far).  ‘How can he be leaving two proven goalscorers on the bench while….’  It’s a good job a) it was p***ing it down, b) I had a train to catch and c) I just thought ‘how stupid is the average Barnsley fan?’ cos if anyone is seriously calling Winnall (f.all goals in loads of appearances this season) or Smith (scored when Swindon were good) anything other than s.hit, you have not been watching 3^rd division football this season.  

I like this photo.  Makes Oakwell look busy.

Hilarously, Winnall bags for 1-2.  To discover how comedy/lucky this is, look it up on you.internet.  Their bloke heads it against their bloke and our bloke, simply by standing still around the 6 yard box, ends up with an open goal.  (See also: most of Brooce Dire’s goals – apart from the ones where he cuts inside from the left onto the only foot he has.  And he was always offside…sorry, where was I?). 

A rare thing happens.  The crowd get behind the team.  What a noise a few thou can make.  (Ahhh, the good old days…a passionate Ponty End wot makes some racket).  Even rarer, I see a Smith header at goal (going wide, but the keeper’s dive makes it look good). Hourihane runs in and drives a low 25 cracker just wide (deflected).  That was a corker.  Unlike the earlier effort from 8 yards, with the keeper to beat, where he misses the goal entirely.  Get rid.

The Ponty.

I have to confess something here.  By now, I’m hoping we DON’T equalise.  JOHNSON OUT!  JOHNSON OUT!!  We have played well, we have gone forward, we have created chances…but any point gained keeps Little Lee in a job.  So what if we don’t get a point v Port Fail? Small beer compared with the slow disintegration of a football club and future Northern Premier League football.  (You think I’m kidding?  What if Cryne walks?  And have you seen the state of Stockport County these days?)

Me?  I’ll still be there.  Cos I’m a mad, passionate fan of the Super Reds?  Maybe.  Or cos a) I’d rather not have my better half find ‘improvements’ for me to complete in our house* and b) I don’t have kids to fund. 

*I was forced into a conversation last week about what kind of sideboard I’d like in the hallway.  Why do ‘other halves’ never like the answer of ‘same as you’ or ‘couldn’t give a sh*t’?  This can’t just be me, surely?

The benches.

*** Hamill.  Runs at players, beats players, gets crosses in, sometimes loses it (but at least he loses it trying to DO something).  Gets shots off, delivers a mean dead ball.  (Can we get rid of Hourihane now?)  I get a chortle out of the East Lower by repeating last week’s Scowen joke: ‘ADAM, WILL YOU STOP PASSING TO BARNSLEY PLAYERS!!!!!’  Aside from setting up their 2^nd (!) the highlight is a 1^st half snapshot, the like of which Conor Hourihane dreams of.  Hamill anticipates where a ball will drop, runs in, and hits a shot on the half volley which the keeper somehow tips over. A foot higher and we’d be calling it ‘sublime’.  10 yards wider and we’d be calling it ‘Hourihane’.
Anyway, WELCOME HOME ADAM.

** Toney the Loanee of Newcastle United.   Big, powerful, strong, quick.  Does everything every other BFC forward can do – but there’s only one of him, six of them.  The best I can liken him to is a ‘more interested Devante Cole’.  Still, that makes 3 (THREE) centre forwards we have on loan.  This must be a record.  Made worse by the dwarf’s insistence on only playing one of them anyway.   At what point do Little Lee’s bosses realise HE DOESN’T HAVE A F***ING CLUE????????????????  (Even the Ponty, upon finally realising who their hero, Super Sammy Winnall, is coming on for, chant ‘You don’t know what you’re doing!’).  THAT is possibly more damning than anything I can say.  The vocal minority, famed for their lack of knowledge towards anything approaching football, have turned.  (As an aside, I heard folk in the pub beforehand describe Winnall as s***.  Lads, you’re only a year behind me, but nevermind.)  Next, you'll be telling me Hourihane is rubbish.  (Actually, two people in the pub told me exactly this.)

* f*** knows.   (What’s the plural of asterisk?)

Londontykes' Top 3:
1. Hammill

2. Toney of Newcastle

3. Bree

The view from the Ponty.

Despatches:
Possibly one of the funniest things that happened was the Twitter MOTM nominaton of Jacob Marley.  He was s***.  No, really.  When Little Lee was bringing on Winnall, I knew it was Marley or Hourihane going off.  It had to be…  It was good to see Bree back, though his cause can’t have been helped by kicking it sideways for 70 minutes, then long to uselessness for the last 20.  (Anyone would think we were desperate).  Nyatanga looked like what we always thought he was – the weak link in a central defensive ‘partnership’.  But Hey!  You all loved him last year, he’s far better than Martin Crainie, etc etc  George Smith wasn’t his usual self and it’s difficult to compliment Davies when all he did was pick the ball out of the net.  Pearson has been better, and his shocking pass set up their second.  Tis ok, that’s 2 weeks in a row – but he’s not Digby, so nubdy notices.  Let’s not hunt down his family and friends, yet. Oh yeah, to prove how appalling Simeon Jackson must be (you know, the forward Little Lee signed permanently in the summer), Smith of Swindon gets another run out from the bench.   As I said, he had a header.  (He’s just s***, isn’t he?)  Honestly, Toney wins more headers, makes more runs, holds more balls up…than the rest of our forwards combined.  But I can no longer use words like ‘embarrassing’  anymore.  Losing to a part time non-league team was embarrassing.  This is simply losing to a 3^rd division side with less than half our budget.  Embarrassing.  Oh.

Away: 278.  T’coppers nearly made this a 12:15 KO for this.  No matter – the mount of dibble I saw in Grove Street, they still made their mint.
We are now 23^rd.  23^rd.  That’s very nearly second off bottom.
ps, yes, I fell asleep on the bus and got woken by the driver at the last stop.  And it was the #45 so not even walking distance home....

Drink du jour: Erdinger in the #7, Stella in t’Tut ‘n’ Shive, Vodka and Tropicana on t’train.

The Damage: £25 train

I didn't bother with a programme. It's bad enough WATCHING them, without having to READ about them.

Though respect where it's due, a tasteful Poppy Day centrefold of an East Stand behind a field of poppies. 

Home time.  8 league defeats in a row and counting.

A pre-match floodlight, yesterday.

Altrincham 1-0 BFC, Saturday November 7th 2015

Altrincham 1-0 BFC, FA Cup 1st Round

The leafy 'burbs near the ground

***I must add a few disclaimers here.  Having written and sent the match report to the Londontykes yahoo group while 'tired and emotional' at around 5am the following morning, I thought I'd better send an apology later on for probably insulting every one of them.  May I say, what a top set of chaps (and chapesses) they were.  The replies included:
'What an amazing e-mail!  I did enjoy my totally on time Tianjin to Shanghai train journey at 302km/h last week for what it's worth, and no you haven't insulted me. I just love you more!'  (Dr N, Shanghai)

'To be honest, I think you were being quite reasonable and you didn't really adequately explain how f*cking awful it was.' (PW) - I will publish PW's match report in full underneath mine.
'Geordie, you have summed up how I felt yesterday.' (PN)

'Lightweight' (AM)

Welcome to ......

'How s*** must you be, it's only one-nil'

Can I say now, I will probably insult you if either:

you support Barnsley, live abroad, vote Tory or believe in a higher state of consciousness (not Josh Wink).  Or think the Foo Fighters are anything worth listening to.  So don't bother f***ing moaning. Just f*** off and don't bother reading the below.  No, really.  I have had enough.  Enough of you people.  Enough of BFC.  Enough of Little Lee.  Honestly, I'm upset.

Dear Northern Rail 

You useless set of cnuts.  I give you one job to do, and you can’t even do that.  You have one responsibility in my life and you fail miserably (sorry).  Do you have any pride in what you do?  How hard can it be for you to carry out what you are PAID FOR ACHIEVING?

Dear BFC
You useless set of cnuts.  I give you one job to do, and you can’t even do that.  You have one responsibility in my life and you fail miserably (sorry).  Do you have any pride in what you do?  How hard can it be for you to carry out what you are PAID FOR ACHIEVING?

Dear Little Lee

You useless little cnut.  I give you one job to do, and you can’t even do that.  You have one responsibility in my life and you fail miserably (sorry).  Do you have any pride in what you do?  How hard can it be for you to carry out what you are PAID FOR ACHIEVING?

Never (NEVER) have I been more embarrassed than events this afternoon.  In 36 years of supporting the Super (Super) Reds I have never….NEVER seen us beaten by a non-league side.  Never.    I understand it happened in the 70s.  Not once, but twice.  But we were in division 4.   FOUR.   We have now lost to a part time team (PART F***ING TIME).  Jesus, this  cannot reiterate how embarrassing this is.  Like Little Lee F**ing  Johnson showing me how to teach Year 11s (5^thyear to you) how to answer a f***ing essay question on why the Nazis didn’t take control of Germany till the 1930s.  (I deliberately chose an easy one there).  My employ will simply NOT TAKE IT that my kids cannot understand how Adolf wound up as Chancellor of Germany, just as I simply CANNOT TAKE Little Lee’s inability to teach the players of MY F***ING FOOTBALL TEAM ANYTHING.  F***. It’s not like his dad used to be a football manager or owt, and he could teach him a thing or 2. F***.  THIS LITTLE NEWMARKET PR*CK OF A JOCKEY simply has no idea about football.  No idea.  None, zilch, zero…et f***ing cetera.   Luckily, I’m in the minority.  I only said he should go BEFORE today.  Now, EVERYONE wants to join my bandwagon. Well, you can f.off.  There's no room in this Hanson cab of mine.  I’m with D.Selwood esquire (not really), who thinks we’re sacking too many managers, sacking another one is the easy option and no, it doesn’t matter how many we lose in a row (7 in the league and counting) we cannot go down this route again…and again…etc) 

(Note: that conversation took place on the train UP.  What Monsieur Selwood now thinks has not been recorded. Partly due to Tory administrated rail services which conspired to split us up for the journey back.)  Is this what a broken record sounds like?  (Surely a broken record has no sound????? Or it's like listening to the entire Foo Fighters back catalogue. F***ing appalling.  If they were a football team, they'd be....etc)

We do like every game, knock it around pointlessly till we concede, then try and grab a goal despite obviously having no idea how to pass a ball FORWARDS.

Any other report on our match is simply verbage.  (Loko - look it up here: https://www.google.co.uk/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=verbage)

The main event

Less than s***:
*** Scowen.  Recipient of 1^st half chant ‘one man, we’ve only got one man’.  Why does he play for us?  Runs forward, tackles, tracks back, passes to teammates.  Won't be here by February, if he has an agent worth his salt.  Highlight of my day:  Josh is about to take a corner (down by where we’re stood).  I shout ‘Josh, don’t pass it to a Barnsley player’. He turns and smiles.  He shares my pain.  He knows.
 ** If I was generous, I’d say Smith.  Or the Soton loan bloke who came on as sub when Josh got laid out.  But I’m not.  Nobody.
 * If I was generous, I’d say the Soton loan bloke (Isgrove?).  Came on for Josh, looked fabulous (for 10 minutes) then disappeared. Missed a one-on-one.  (two?  I dunno who drilled that volley wide from inside the box…the one that looked easier to get on target than not….but we managed NOT) (for the record, that other miss turned out to be Wilkinson, a centre forward so poor that I question the sanity of anyone who would sign him.  Hello, Little Lee?)
 *NO-ONE.  Barnsley FC – you are a DISGRACE.

Londontykes' Top 3:

1. Scowen
2. No-one

3. G. Smith

A bunch of middle aged blokes attempt to hide their embarrassment

Despatches:

Seriously, I need to move house.  I am unfortunate enough to come across believers every day in my work place, so to come across these deluded set of….ok, calm down.  Am I not as deluded? Off to worship at the temple of BFC…(‘theatre of screams’ ©Andy Reed) You know what?  No, I’m not as deluded, cos I don’t look at BFC as anything other than s***.  All that surprises is the level of ….

Don’t bother with the stats.  We had 60%+ possession, we had more shots than them, we had more on target than them (inc, blocks…a technicality wot helps with the rant)…F*** THAT.  We never (EVER) looked like scoring.  Against a part time non-league team.  (Did I mention they were part time?)  

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

F***.  F***ing f*** f*** f***.  Can any of us IMAGINE what it’s like to be WORSE AT OUR JOB than someone who does something else AS WELL.  (OK, easier for some of us to imagine, but still).  F***. It is CRIMINAL.  Absolutely f***ing CRIMINAL.  Other people have ANOTHER JOB and yet can STILL BE BETTER THAN US AT FOOTBALL.

And Altrincham aren’t even challenging for promotion from the (old) Conference.  Challenging for relegation, yes.  (RE-LE-F***ING-GATION)  You absolute set of clowns, BFC.  Clowns.  F***ING CLOWNS.  I’m sorry.  It’s 3am, (actually 4. it takes time to craft a piece as eloquent as this) and I could calm down/sober up, but WHAT’S THE POINT IN THAT???  He’s a cnut, the team are cnuts, we’re a set of cnuts.  Christ. I thought I was reaching a nadir at 7:50am, waiting for a bus in Peckham, when godbotherers were trying to convince me about a higher state of being.  I knew it would be a testing day when my first words to the outside world (ie to a 70 odd year old woman and her mate) were ‘I’m trying really hard to be polite but…….’ 

Alty celebrate scoring

Apologies.  There was a match.  If you wish to avoid the nitty-gritty, it can be summed up in the variety of chants:

(us)

‘You’re nothing special, we lose every week’

'How s*** must you be, it’s only one-nil;’

(them)

‘We can’t believe that you’re league one…can’t believe that….’ (us neither; wait till next season)

In terms of degrees of awfulness, Maris showed why this will be his 1st and last BFC game (struggling around midfield.  I thought he was a forward? Lee Bl**dy Johnson???).  Roberts showed he's not even Conference standard by being taken off against this bunch.  (How BAD do you have to be to be taken off in THIS TEAM?  And a defender too.)  Talk about 'deja vous all over again' (Shaka Hislop). If I hadn't seen a defensive midfielder (Pearson this time, not Digby) lose the ball somewhere near the halfway line, followed by the attacker running 50 yards and rounding a statuesque Roberts...then I never saw Fleetwood home the other week.  Mawson began defensive midfield (Little Lee: you are a tactical genius) before slotting back to where Roberts was before he was put out of his misery).  Smith (George) looked alright. Perhaps his mistake was in giving a s***.  In terms of underachiever of the match, only 2 come close, depending on your perspective.  Pearson, obvs, cos we know he's a class act. He was s***. And Winnall - if you're one of these people who vaguely rates him.  It's not often you can get the Londontykes to agree on summat (unless it involves me - tw*ts) but to see Winnall turn a defender, have 2 yards head start into the box and then blatantly dive and berate the officials was one embarrassment too far.  He's becoming a parody of himself.  Moaning cheating, diving get.  Go on 'Super Sammy'  - sue me.  Oh, and for most of the 2nd half (Little Lee got all desperate and threw on 3 subs at once.  LL - you are a a tactical genius), we saw the welcome return (!) of Conor Hourihane.  So he can share some of our nadir too.

Oh yeah, Scowen got crocked and our hopes got carried off with him.  A non-league team causes an upset and you think it must've been a real backs to the wall performance...but it wasn't.  Altrincham came under barely any pressure.   I cannot wait for the excuses to come out of Oakwell.

Well done Alty,

Johnson Out.

Storm clouds gather over the away end

Drink du jour: JD and coke.  And what with losing Dave at Stockport, me and Andy had 2 bottles, but we were sensible and only downed one.  
Crowd: 2 and a half thou, with 836 reds.  Pathetic – from us.  More irritatingly, we were joined in Altrincham station on the way back by ManUre c***s and on the train back to London by more ManUre c***s.   I have less respect for them than I do for myself.
The Damage:
15 ent

36.60 train

3 programme

= 54.60

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yeah, twas true.  Another kick in the nads.

Even God was p***ing on our chances by now.

(PW)
To be honest, I think you were being quite reasonable and you didn't really adequately explain how f*cking awful it was.
For example, you missed embarrassment of the London Tykes flag not quite reaching the two posts the stewards said we could hang it off, only for the No.7 matchday drinkers to come and fix their slightly larger flag there instead, leaving us to drape our flag over a crash barrier and in a puddle.
You didn't explain that the rain was so bad that even with my snorkel hood up I was still getting the rain directly in my face. Or that my 'waterproof' coat turned out to be not so, as I discovered when I reach for my programme in the pub to find a blob of paper mache  in its place.
Or that we inadvertently stood in the corner where the home youth section move to when they kicked the other way, just like we used to at Oakwell back in the day, so we spent the entire second half getting stick from a bunch of 14 year olds, including a 'you fat b@stard chant' that we couldn't work out who it was aimed at.  Or that the pub that was 'just at the top of the road' in Stockport, when we had ages to kill, was nothing of the sort.
And the performance was even worse than you described. I watch the 'highlights' last night, just to watch the bemused looks on our faces when their players celebrated right in front of us, but fortunately they cut to a replay instead. Pearson committed a schoolboy error the type of which sees Digby banished to the twilight zone after each of his three-monthly appearances. Or that Nyatanga showed that letting Lalkovic skip past him the other week wasn't a one off, as he decided to stop and appeal for offside against a player that ran past him, rather than, you know, clearing the ball.
But it was refreshing that instead of crying 'penalty' after Winnall's dive the entire away end simply berated Winnall for trying to cheat against a bunch of part timers. He really is far from the player that some Reds fans think he is and needs dropping. I'd start with Smith and Jackson up front. In fact, I'd like to drop 4 of the 5 defenders too, but we have nobody to take their place.
And nobody told me that, in a team of kids, Isgrove actually looks younger than my 5 year old.
However, the day wasn't all bad. The pub was fab and the pies in the pub were yummy. The Alty fans in the pub were a decent bunch. And after a sh!tty day the bus driver made a mistake giving me my ticket on the bus in Sheffield, but because it was his mistake he let me get home to Penistone from Sheffield for £1.40. Not only that, but he even dropped me at the end of my street, rather than at the bus stop (which, to be fair, is only 30 or 40 yards further up the road, but still). In London the bus drivers don't even stop to let you on the bus!
Scowen ***
Nobody **
Nobody *

A Londontyke reacts badly to news the train is cancelled

Pre-match.  'We can win this.'

Their stand, 1st half

Room for a little un?

Their stand, 2nd half

Is it a bird?  Is it a plane?

Like us, BFC were heading for the exit by this point.

The Main Stand.  And...errr....other stand.

Dave's 'chef's shoes'.  Not clever attire today.