Barnsley 1-2 Scunthorpe United, Saturday 29th November 2014

‘Can you please call home?  Your wife’s had her back doors smashed in.’

The view from The Ponty

This week’s match report shall be brought to you thanks to the sponsorship of Mr ???, member of our East London Parish and proud bearer of a recent wedding ring. Congratulations, Rhys, and thanks very much for paying for the two essential elements of the ‘Booze Express’.

Anyway, it was great to see Rhys finally make a game, along with Marius, over from Norway and it was great to see the Super Reds show what they’ve been missing: f*** all.  We were appalling from start to finish.  Or at least from the 20^th minute, cos I missed that much trying to get in. Crowd congestion?  No.  The rigmarole of getting a replacement ticket for not having my ST with me.  (My dad has our season tickets and he was unable to make it today cos of the north east being in lock down due to some explosion near the A1 at Catterick.)

The old Main Stand

So obviously I made sure I got to the ground early to sort this out.  Or 2:45pm as its known and within about 5 minutes I was served.  OK so far. Only the lady serving me (and I got the impression she was a recent recruit) couldn’t find my ‘client registration’ details or whatever stupid title they give us ‘supporters’ these days.  I provided as many details as I possibly could (dad’s address, my address, etc) and 5 mins of holding up everyone else in the queue later, plus help from Sharon (the boss) she’d found me.  Crack on. A replacement ticket printed, off I go.

I get to the Pukka Pies East Stand Lower turnstile, handily located halfway round the stadium, past 2 sets of Pukka Pies East Stand Upper turnstiles (why?).  It’s now 5 past 3 and of the two open ‘stiles, one is shutting. The one I go in, the lady scans my ticket but no, it’s not registering.  ‘And I’ve been told by my boss today not to let ANYONE in if it doesn’t register’.  OK, I’m now officially irritated, but hey!  I’ve only travelled up from London and I know the match will be the sh*ttest part of my day.  (Almost prescient, eh, given later proceedings.)

I go back to the ticket office.  But no, it’s shut. No worries, I trot to the main club office and a nice lady there gives me a replacement replacement ticket.  I stroll back to my turnstile (I know I’m not missing much) and GUESS WHAT? Same again.  My conversation is somewhat abrupt and I stomp back to the ticket office.  This time I tell the woman it’s no use giving me a replacement ticket, just get me in the stadium.  Sharon, who by now has (rightfully) kicked off her heels and was looking forward to a sit down after the pre-match madness, comes to my rescue (not for the first time; witness the time I forgot my Chelsea match ticket).  She puts on her shoes, comes out and marches me through one of the main gates.  So whatever the crowd was, add one, cos I’m not included.  And since I came through the ‘disabled corner’ I decide I’ll go and sit in the Ponty End for a change.  I find a spare chair high up right behind the goal. 

The Pukka Pies East Stand

Within a minute I see 3 strange refereeing decisions which ALL go against Barnsley.  Shoulder to shoulder is a free kick to them, while a push by them is unpunished, before Berry is booked for tackling somebody.  (Ok, he scissored him a bit.)  Still, at least summat had happened, cos the guy next to me said the only thing of note in the 1^st 20 mins was Winnall getting injured under no challenge whatsoever. Shame, I was looking forward to seeing if he could hold a ball up today.

Then it happens. GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!  The ball is pulled back to Trotta who rifles it home with his left, high into the net.  Seeing it on telly, I realise my view behind t’nets is not all that when the ball’s at the far end.  I thought he was maybe 12 yards out.  Turns out it was 6.  Within a minute, Scunny equalise.  That poor excuse for a defender Nyatanga is turned with ease and the resultant shot, although well saved by Turnbull, is knocked into an empty net by Madden.  Proper poacher’s goal, while we stand around watching.  As usual.

In injury time (can I blame Winnall?) Scunny go ahead, as Madden runs at Bailey and Ramage, who for 15 yards resolutely refuses to put a tackle in, allowing Madden to meander forward before striking low to the far corner.  Maddening.  (Pun intended.)  We are losing at home to a side 2^nd off bottom who’ve drawn 2 and lost 9 of their previous 11 visits to Oakwell.  Why am I not surprised?

704 away supporters. Good effort Scunny!

2^nd half, we have the ‘lion’s share of the possession’ yet at no point do we look like we WANT IT.  Passes go sideways, sideways, back and if anything, it looks like we must be winning, as we attempt to wind down the clock.  Scunny look best placed to score, on the break, but they’re a poor side too.  We still fashion chances though. Devante Cole brings the ball down superbly, then blazes it over the bar from 8 yards.  Berry misses a header at the far post a minute after being named MOTM (‘he does nothing everywhere’ – Rhys) and Hemmings dinks a soft header into the keeper’s arms. So even in a game where we create nowt, we had chances.  Go figure.

*** No-one. Appalling.  OK, harsh, cos I can problies count 3 or 4 players who had a decent game, so….TURNBULL.  Caught everything, distribution excellent, no chance with either goal.

** Dudgeon.  When your full back and goalkeeper are the only players giving any hint of ‘impetus’ or energy, you know something’s not going right.

* Crainie. Probably beat more players than anyone else in a red shirt.  See above re: ‘you know something’s not going right....’

Sponsors’ MOTM: Berry.  ‘He does nothing everywhere.’  I like that one.

Despatches:
Hourihane proved he’s Premiership class by blaming other players when his passes went astray; Nyatanga and Ramage looked useless; Cole is the new Bambi on ice; Trotta looked a good prospect, good control – though completely missed one ball, when he ran across a defender to meet a mishit Hourihane corner; And the player who came out with the most credit for me was the injured Williams; without him we looked truly s*** going forward.

Drink du jour: with a larger than usual contingent, we had champagne on the way up (Congrats again, Rhys) and a choice of JD and coke or vodka and orange on the way back.  Then the day was made complete by a trip up to Camden Town for Heavy Metal Heaven at the Dublin Castle.  (Sample quote: ‘ARE YOU GUYS READY TO GO MENTAL FOR SOME METAL!!!????’ (No.)  And if I learnt anything from yesterday, it’s that you need to have your passport to get into any bar on the Camden strip.  What’s the world coming to?

Oh dear...

Chesterfield 2-1 Barnsley, Saturday 22nd November 2014

‘Ah’m a bit funny wi’ Christmas dinner in a pasty.’

Get ready - Barnsley are coming!

After 3 wins, 9 goals scored and me seeing none of it, normal service was resumed yesterday as we slipped to defeat against Chesterfield.  Excellent backing from the away end(s), a decent performance (Cole missing a one-on-one, a header cleared off the line) but in the end we were done by a couple of marvellous finishes from a player who won’t be at this level next season.  Or even from January.  I’m sure Danny Wilson told his players to mind Eoin Doyle, top scorer in the division by a country mile, but what can you do with goals like he notched yesterday?  The 1^st was a sublime finish as he ran onto a long ball down the channel and lobbed Turnbull, caught forlornly in no-man’s land.  1-0 at HT.  Then his second, he cut inside, left our defence for dead buried it into the far corner.  He’s a class act and no mistake.  Irritatingly, we’d been completely on top in that first 10 mins or so, 2^nd half, so it was completely against the run of play.

Nice car.  Nice spire.

As ever, apart from the goals, there was nothing in it.  (That sounds like something Alan Shearer would say on MOTD).  Arguably, we looked the better team. As long as we didn’t let Doyle have the ball, we’d be fine.  We had (half) chances.  Cole dallied a little too long as the keeper sprinted out and blocked, while a header destined for the top corner was cleared off the line.  Bugger.  Still, there was time for a quick break down the left and with yellow shirts (why?) piling into the box, the ball fell to Treacy who couldn’t really miss.  That gave us 9 mins (including injury time) to scrape an equaliser and though camped in their half, we never really threatened.  Overall, a positive performance but one man made all the difference – and he didn’t play for us.

Welcome to the Proact

*** Difficult.  No-one really stood out.  (Well, apart from Crainie, who was beaten more than once down his wing).  I’ll go Dudgeon.  I thought he was solid and often ran past his own man to support attacks.  They didn’t give him the ball of course, but there it is.

** Nyatanga.  Ramage looked a little shaky and Lewin was usually on the cover.

* Hourihane.  Just because.

Despatches:
Andy helped ensure the day was not without stress, by forgetting our Two Together railcard.  On the way up, the ticket woman said she’d have billed us were it not for her not having her ticket machine (what was the point in checking tickets, then?)  At Chesterfield railway station, we enquired about return tickets.  No reduction on the ones we’d bought, that’ll be £71.50 each please. No ta – we’ll risk it on the way back. (It was due to be £80 on the train.)  On the way back, got on train…to find some Brummie Bluenose numpties coming back from Rovrum not being too keen to move out of our seats.  I must have been a little tipsy, cos I insisted.  But they were our saviours really, cos when the ticket inspector came, he looked at a couple of their tickets then moved on, presuming we were all one group.  Phew. 

The game: They scored 2 out of 3 shots on target, we got 1 in 5.  While Cole occasionally looked dangerous, I only ever noticed Winnall when he was failing to hold a ball up.  I’m not sure this 3 up front thing is a successful tactic (4 at one point in the 2^nd half).

Saw Reds’ legend Kempy in the toilets at half time.  ‘That’s three fifty tha’ owes mi’ as he berated a mate, with a suspicious pool of (alcoholic?) liquid spilt all over the floor.  Careless.

And good backing from the away fans today, proving it makes absolutely FA difference in terms of the result.  We sold out the away end and they gave us another 400 tickets in the East Stand….hence chants of ‘East Stand East Stand give us a song’!  Was a bit disappointed it took less than minute for ‘Chesterfield’s a sh*thole, I wanna go home’.  Go on then – f*** off home.

And hopefully Hicksy will provide us with a run down of the sponsored walk from Barnsley to Chesterfield, cos rumour has it he had to drop out.  Do sponsors get reimbursed, I wonder???  We ourselves had a decent walk to and from the ground, 20 minutes or so each way.  Easy ground to find though – simply walk down Sheffield Road from the town centre.

The Proact - perfectly designed for flagbearers

Drink du jour: Went to CAMRA pub the Rutland pre and post match.  The Hoegaarden was off, so Stella promoted herself to the starting grid, while the bitter drinkers entered into Chesham’s finest, Redtail.  Then, feeling like a change, Bacardi (and coke) made what was possibly its season’s debut on the train.  Not sure the family me and Reedy met in the Betjeman Arms appreciated me telling them we were wondering what their relationships were….but it’s not my fault if your daughter chooses to go out with someone who looks like it could be her brother.  And no, that’s not dad’s new (younger) girlfriend, that’s his daughter.  They’re just a very touchy-feely family.  (ManUre fans from….Surrey)

Oh, and I didn’t fall asleep on the bus.  It was the couch this time, watching The Championship.

The sun begins to set on Barnsley's chances...

Away: 2433. 

Damage:
train: £25
match: £22
programme: nowhere to be seen

St. Neots 3-1 Darlington 1883, Saturday 15th November 2014

‘Three wash basins, one hand dryer.  Always.  Why?’

'Box Office Sales'?  Optimistic.

Unable to watch my beloved Barnsley due to an international weekend (see later) I’d looked around the lower division fixture list and plumped for Bristol Rovers in the Conference.  However, as often as this happens in Finsbury Park, I received an even better offer the night before – Darlo were playing down south, St. Neots in the FA Trophy (I’d looked up Darlo’s fixture weeks ago and it was Northwich or somesuch; it pays to keep up sometimes!)

Would I like to go?  Of course I would!  I hadn’t seen my 2^nd team since….well, I guess it was a Conference game if it was Hayes (and Yeading) away in Woking.  Previous to that, they’d been triumphant at Wembley in the FA Trophy, which seems a long time ago.

Main Stand, side view.

We set off from Finsbury Park around half twelve for a 48 minute journey to St. Neots.  I’d heard of the place, but never seriously knew for sure where it was.  Cambridgeshire is your answer (I think).  It’s near Cambridge, anyway.  I trusted to Kev how to find the ground.  Problem solved as we climbed the steps at the station – it’s right next door.  The plan to have a beer in the town centre went by the wayside though, that was apparently a walk away.  Do they have a clubhouse selling beer?  But of course – pay your tenner to get into the ground and the social club is all yours.  The 15 – 20 early birds were mostly Darlo and a few club reps.

The clubhouse was most welcoming, though one of the two TV screens showing Plymouth-Pompey was a bit blurred.  Problies for the best.  We got our pints in (one IPA, one Stella, pls) and sat on some huge leather sofa the like of which couldn’t fit through my front door.  Very nice.  Also, a view of the pitch…or half a pitch.  I consider this a bit of a design flaw, as was the huge chunk of walkway right in front of the stand which would obscure one’s view if sat down.  A bit of yellow painted on the floor doesn’t stop people walking in front, since the only entrance to the ground is the corner nearest said stand.  ‘Non-league new ground of the year (2006)’ said a plaque from Groundtastic behind the bar.  Still, it lived up to its name: ‘The Cozy Stadium’ née Rowley Park.

Electronic scoreboard - bit flash!

We ventured out looking for a spot, the crowd more than double the usual gate.  ‘Big team, Darlington’ I heard more than once today.  We elected to walk through past the small covered terrace to the far side, where we could happily lean on the fence overlooking the pitch, about two yards behind the touchline.  Grand!  And 5 minutes after kick off we had our ‘reward’ – Darlo’s stand-in centre half (usually the centre forward) making his bid for not being picked there again by putting up his dukes to the Saints’ centre forward.  Apparently, he made no contact, but I (and everyone else) was following the ball not the men.  So well done linesman – he wouldn’t have had him sent off were he not sure.  (I mean it.)

The teams line up in front of the Main Stand

Thereafter, you’d be hard pushed to tell it was 11 v 10, as both sides attacked and had chances but we crept in 0-0 at HT.  Mind, I was already in the loo (and out again) in time for snatching another pint in the clubhouse.  Not even a queue, marvellous.  Then, for reasons known only to Kev, as it p***ed it down on the pitch, we elected to stand on the terrace Darlo were defending.  No standing in the open now!

Just so's you know...

In the end, Darlo lost 3-1.  Valiant though the effort was, it took a fabulous goal to break the deadlock after 70 minutes, as their man cut inside and curled a beauty into the top corner from 20 yards.  Unstoppable.  Surely Neots were through.  But Darlo struck back after 77 mins, a neat finish from a neat pass.  The Darlo hordes in the home end (me and Kev) went wild, while everyone else just laughed.  Hope yet of a replay.  Hope extinguished within 30 seconds of the restart as a teasing cross from the left was headed home and the light was firmly put out when a backpass was picked up and laid off for the centre forward to score a tap-in.  Oh well – Darlo can concentrate on getting back up through the leagues, where they’ve won the last 9 (nine).

While the Neotians (?) shuffled off home, the driving rain meant it would have been rude to rule out another beer.  So a couple of pints, a chat with a Cambridge fan who doesn’t do away matches and half an hour of half watching an England game on the telly, wondering whothehell the right back is.  The good news was it wasn’t Glen Johnson.

'I was THIS close to the play' (narrows gap between finger and thumb).

Attendance: 715

Damage:
£10 ent
£2 programme
£12.60 beer (4 pints of IPA and Stella)
£16 travel (plus £15 ‘lost tickets’)

Bike shed?  Bus shelter?

‘Later’:  Your team gets relegated to the 3^rd tier of English football.  You consider one of the upsides being no more matches postponed ‘due to international call ups’.  You forget one of your club’s directors is a head honcho at the FA and would probably like to enjoy the beano of a day out at Wembley.  So obviously, when England play on Saturday at 5pm, your team will elect to play a game against a side far far away (or Colchester as it’s known) on a FRIDAY night.  Not even a Satdy lunchtime, or a Sunday.  Friday.  Lord help us.

It's raining goals.  And rain.

Barnet 1-3 Wycombe Wanderers, Saturday 8th November 2014

‘We’re the famous Barnet FC and we’re off to Wembley.’

Welcome to The Hive!

I missed out on my intended match today and it wasn’t even my fault.  After turning down the opportunity to go and see Barnsley v Burton (the good folk of Barnsley can’t be ar5ed to turn out for cup ties, so why should I?)…it turned out someone couldn’t make it so I was going after all.  So, up early, showered and sat there in my Reds’ shirt eating breakfast, I got the call: Andy didn’t have the spare ticket, he’d already given it to Phil;  A quick internet search and a single to Sheffield (Andy had the return, don’t ask) was £71.50.  No thanks.  Back to Plan A – Barnet v Wycombe.

The all-in-one football facility.  Perfection for Barnet?

When I saw the draw, I thought this looked tasty – top of the Conference v top of Division 4.  And it turned out to be good nourishment too, end to end, and were it not for the referee, it could have been even better.  With the score at one-all and into first half injury time, Sam Togwell (scorer of the fastest goal I’ve ever seen at Oakwell) got his marching orders seemingly for making a perfectly good tackle.  Cue chants of ‘Cheat cheat cheat’ against a referee who’d already made himself unpopular with a penalty decision best classed as ‘dubious’.  Up stepped ex-Barnsley penalty poacher Paul Hayes to send the keeper the wrong way, just like he used to do with every penalty he ever scored for us.  They look soft, but he knows what he’s doing, always seemingly having the bottle to wait for the keeper to dive before despatching it the other way.

I'll have that one.  No, that one...

Till then, Barnet had been leading 1-0, Akinde beating the offside trap to run clear and round the keeper.  Another one-on-one chance was spurned for Barnet and Wycombe struggled with the ball over the top.  And the one through their defence.  All in all, they were lucky not to be at least a couple down till the penalty decision when (Troy?) McClure did or didn’t dive – and it was right in front of me.  Lots of arguing before Hayes did the biz.

Hayes 'doing the biz'.

2^nd half, Barnet put up a fight, but once Wycombe went ahead (a header off a corner…which possibly wasn’t a corner…it wasn’t their day) it was over.  To further rub salt into the wounds, Wycombe then waltzed down the right and chipped a beautiful ball over the keeper for a teammate to knock into an empty net.  1-3 and yet still time for the Barnet full back to see red for a late lunge.  Bit needless, getting sent off in the closing moments with your team out, but there it is.  And did I mention a disallowed Barnet goal at 1-2?  A outswinging corner went out of play before being headed in at the back stick.  Why can't professional footballers keep a corner on the pitch?  Careless.

Part stand, part exec box, part clubhouse.

With the rain lashing down I decided to pop into the clubhouse afterwards and what a fantastic place that was/is.  It’s large, full of comfy chairs and sofas, has a variety of beers on tap, endless TV screens, pool table, 3 of those racing car computerised thingummyjigs you get in amusement arcades and has a view of the pitch (but presumably not during a game).  But that makes me wonder: at what grounds CAN you drink beer within sight of the pitch?  At Dulwich you can, at Barnsley you can’t.  But where would Barnet stand?  Yes, cos they’re ‘professional’, or ‘no’ cos they’re non-league?

I’d fully recommend a trip to Barnet and their new stadium (‘opened by Fabio Capello, England manager’ no less; whether that brings back good memories or bad, who’s to say?).  It’s also only about 5/10 mins walk from the nearest tube (Canon Park, Jubilee Line) and you can’t miss the ground, since you pass it on the train.  I don’t know the ins and outs of the ownership of the ground (and surrounding football fields) but it looks to me like Barnet have dropped on lucky with this one, given their earlier stadium tribulations and the ramshackle nature of Underhill.  They have a 10 year lease on the stadium, albeit their wish is to return to the London Borough of Barnet.  Understandable, but, like Wimbledon before them, does the council care enough to have them back?  The stadium itself is very smart, one large seated stand, (East Stand) holding a couple of thousand, two small covered terraces and the ‘executive’ side, with a few hundred seats in front of the clubhouse.  Tidy!

Attendance: 2410.  Highest of the season?

Damage:
£17 ent (standing)
£3 programme
£4 hot dog (overpriced)
£4 Estrella

Metal terracing, metal barriers.

Tunes:
Today, I was digging into the letter ‘R’.  Like Sesame Street, but with headphones.
Radiohead – Kid A
Rachel Unthank and the Winterset – The Bairns
Röyksopp – Melody A.M.

A minute's silence for Remembrance Day.

Dulwich Hamlet 3 - 0 Chalfont St Peter, Saturday 1st November 2014

This was a bit different.  Where else could I set off from home at 2:20 for a 3pm kick-off?  (ok, aside from Millwall)  It was time to cycle to my local(est) non-league side, Dulwich Hamlet, for a FA Trophy 1^st Qualifying Round game.  Having lived within the proximity of Dulwich for nigh on 5 years, it’s problies a bit of a disgrace that I’d yet to visit Champion Hill (the ground) even when I lived off Champion Hill (the area).  Next door Sainsbury used to be my local supermarket and proved the ideal spot to park my bike today.

Welcome to the Pleasuredome!

By 10 to 3, I was in.  Only a couple of turnstiles open, which was more than enough.  £10.  Makes a change.  Greeted upon the inside by smiling people.  Makes a change.  Programme bought, £2.  Mainly ads, but at least I was able to work out that Chalfont were from Bucks, Beds or Middlesex, given some previous league they’d been in.  I’d never heard of this place before, but they’d beaten Hamlet 3 times in 5 previous games.  Who knew?

And...STRETCH!

Come on you pink and blues!

Even more gloriously, they have an open-to-all clubhouse with a fine view of the pitch.  Normally, one can apparently buy a beer and wander out onto the terrace, though FA rules forbid that today.  (I’ve no idea what these rules are, just that the tannoy announcer told me.)  One could still stay IN and have a beer though.  A bit like having your own executive box.  We elected for a place in their swanky new stand, shifting some old bloke on crutches to do so.  The other 3 sides had a narrow terrace, with a small covered stand opposite.  The Dulwich Ultras (‘Dultras’!) took their place behind the goal Hamlet kicked towards, their pink and blue coloured scarves in preponderance.  I’m having one of them, I thought.

The clubhouse view

For some reason this reminds me of Gus Poyet.

I have to admit, I was quietly impressed with the whole occasion.  Decent crowd, actual chanting from the Dultras (30 or so) and 2 teams trying to play the ball on the floor.  Hamlet obviously had the edge, being just that little bit too quick for the opposition.  The right winger in particular could pretty much do what he liked, while the centre forward was bigger and quicker than his opponent.  Only a lack of understanding at times prevented a hammering.  In the end, it was 3-0.  A tap-in from yet another right wing cross, a first time hit from an onrushing forward and a 3^rd which….I can’t remember, but it was in the 2^nd half.  Shoulda been 4-0 too, if the centre forward had the brains not to stand forward of the guy who laid it on a plate for him.  Disallowed for offside.

Late scramble in front of the Dultras

Afterwards, having seen Sky Sports in the clubhouse, we elected to have a beer and follow the results.  However, I/we get a bit growly when we don’t get served quick enough.  I don’t mind the 1^st guy buying 10 pints (which he did), but I do mind bar men who ask ‘who’s next?’ when they should know exactly who’s next.  Thus, ignored for a later fella, and the other 3 bar lads at the other end, we left.  Still handy, for we were able to beer it at the Brick Brewery (Peckham), where we had a lager (‘if you must’), followed by strawberry daiquiris at BarStory.  Not my normal after match drink and it certainly made a change from being on a train for god knows how many hours.  And we were home for ‘Strictly’ – hurrah from one of us, leastways!

sunset over Dulwich

Attendance: 433
Away: maybe 2, judging by the ‘noise’.  

Damage:
£10 entrance
£2 programme
£1 poppy